Most people want to reach out and support someone who is grieving, but few feel comfortable doing so – we often feel awkward and don’t know what to say.
How can we best help a team member who is grieving for a loved family member or friend?
1. If the grieving person is your direct report, try to stay in contact with them while they are on compassionate leave to offer support. Respect their wishes if they would rather not be contacted for the time being, but always ask if you can message them and which communication method they would prefer. A personal visit or meet-up may even be welcomed. Don’t be afraid to ask.
Ongoing contact with the world of work can help a grieving person who may feel isolated and suddenly cut off from normality. Make sure they know you are interested in their welfare as a person, not because you need them back at work.
2. Discuss options for their return to work. A temporary flexible working arrangement might work best as they get back into the swing of things.
3. Bear in mind that returning to work after the death of a loved one does not mean that ‘everything is OK’ now. Plan their return carefully and when they are back, keep an eye on them and continue to offer support and the opportunity for private chats to check in with how they are doing.
4. Because it’s difficult to know what to say to someone who is grieving, we often resort to clichés. But it’s usually best to avoid common stock phrases which can be unhelpful and even upsetting to the grieving person. For example, avoid comments such as:
- Time heals.
- They lived to a good age.
- They’re not suffering now.
- They wouldn’t want you to be unhappy.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- I know how you feel.
Keep things simple. Say you are sorry, acknowledge the pain of their loss and be ready to talk about it with them. Be patient and never try to change the subject; engage with them and always give them the time they need.
5. Don’t judge someone’s grief by assuming that some grief is ‘worse’ than others. Accept that your colleague is grieving and needs your help and support. Remember that everyone’s experience of grief is different.
Practical considerations
- Ensure you have a clear bereavement policy in place.
- Understand the law:
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- Since 2020, parents who lose a child or suffer a stillbirth from 24 weeks of pregnancy have a day-one right to two weeks’ paid leave.
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- Employees have the right to a reasonable amount of time off if a dependant dies (a family member or someone who relies on them) as well as time off to attend the funeral. There is no legal right to paid leave in these circumstances, but many employers do offer paid time off. (Your approach should be set out in your bereavement policy.)
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- There is no right to leave or time off to attend the funeral if the person who dies is not classed as a dependant. However, a sensitive approach is recommended as there may still have been a close relationship.